*Funerals and Eulogies

We have been leading funerals for many, many years. We have seen what is helpful and what is not helpful in a funeral.

Drawing on our experiences of many different funerals we have learnt that the handling of eulogies makes or breaks a good experience of a funeral. The way eulogies are conducted makes an enormous difference to how positively people experience a funeral.

A lot of unusual and unhelpful practices have crept into funerals in the last few years. Many people are not aware of the protocols of a good funeral and come with all sorts of expectations. So, in order to help make this funeral very special and consoling, we have put down some clear principles.

Because some things have gone wrong in the past and in order to allay the fears of people preparing a funeral, we need to say some of these things. We do live in unusual times, so we hope you will bear with us as we share these thoughts.

The single biggest worry that we hear from many people (both family members and also friends and acquaintances who attend the ceremony) is when the eulogies go too long, or cannot be heard or when there is a long line of eulogies. People often comment that this is too much and it truly makes them hesitate in attending future ceremonies if the experience is going to be protracted. We share some thoughts below to help make the experience helpful and beautiful for everyone.

Firstly, many people have a completely incorrect idea of what a funeral is.

It is not a piece of music at the beginning and end and a string of eulogies and speeches.

Eg: Funeral= Opening Music + Eulogy1 +Eulogy2+ Music+ Eulogy3+ Eulgogy4+ Final Music.

The above idea can become terribly repetitive, as well as emotionally and physically exhausting for everyone involved. It also can lack cohesiveness and overlook or make into an afterthought the Christian hope to which we are called.

We appreciate that many people may be unfamiliar with a religious funeral or may not regard themselves as ‘overly religious’, however, we provide a sensitive religious ceremony that does not go on and on, and with a carefully balanced structure which gives time for eulogy but is structured into an overall flowing plan. We are very aware of the varying degrees of familiarity which people have with funeral prayer services. However, don’t be put off by these initial hesitations. In the end, what we offer is not at all over the top or excessive. It is really quite beautiful and focused. It will not actually be “too much religion” at all. It will actually be fitting and seemly commendation for a person who is a beloved son or daughter of God who was created by God. People invariably come away from the ceremonies very pleased and comforted by them and the age-old structure that they bring. The Catholic funeral ceremony is a product of literally two-thousand years of experience and ritual.

Please speak with your celebrant before making any definite plans about the eulogies or the things you might be wanting in the ceremony. We try to be helpful, reasonably flexible within our jurisdiction, and sensitive. At the same time, we must also be faithful to the structure which has proven to work time and time again. Many other ceremonies that do not follow the traditional structure do not end up holding together coherently and often evoke a lot of negative comment (quietly) afterwards.

The structure and balance of the Catholic Funeral Prayer is shown in an attached sheet. The Priest has some samples to help you with choices from approved texts.

The Eulogy is an important part but only one part of the whole ceremony. The eulogy section of the ceremony ought to be no longer than ten minutes. This might appear to be not a lot of time, but in fact an enormous amount of very important qualities of your loved one can be spoken of in this time. Even if you feel there needs to be more than one eulogy, all eulogies when added together in length need to be no longer than 10-15 minutes in TOTAL. Actually, we have noticed on countless occasions that the more concise the eulogy the better the response from all people. One should never fal into the trap of thinking that the length of the eulogy or the number of words used is a sign of how loved they were. Too many words can actually lose the focus.

If for some reason you really feel you need four speeches, (which we do not recommend), nevertheless, each person should speak for only two or so minutes each.

It is not appropriate to ask the assembly if there might be anyone who wants to “say a few words” and it is also not appropriate in this kind of ceremony to have people speaking without a prepared speech and without comparing what they are planning to say to see if it matches or repeats what the other speakers are saying.

It is extremely disruptive if a line of people just turn up to the ceremony each expecting to speak without arranging this with the celebrant and the family well before the funeral day. If one thinks about it, it is completely unreasonable to do this, and we have seen funerals go “off the rails” because of this.

Please support the celebrant in preventing this from happening. No one is going to argue with the family if you tell them, “we are wanting to keep the ceremony simple and consoling, so we have specifically requested only one (or two) eulogies which we have approved in advance, so you can save your speech for the cuppa afterwards.” Please don’t feel forced into allowing pushy people force you into agreeing to letting them all speak. If they were really sensitive to the needs of people who are grieving, they would not be putting themselves first.

The funeral is a formal, public, religious prayer service. So, please be aware that it is not appropriate or polite for people to turn up a few minutes before the ceremony and tell the celebrant that they are ‘going to say a few words.” What other formal ceremony would have people thinking in their heads that they are going to say something without arranging it beforehand? This is where the whole structure of the funeral gets turned on its head and it is not permitted. Please assist the celebrant to be able to lead an orderly and dignified ceremony. The elements of the ceremony need to be arranged carefully in consultation with the celebrant and prior to the event.

IF the eulogies go closer to half an hour or longer, the whole thing is way too long and distorts the flow of the whole funeral. Anyone who is planning to give a eulogy needs to be made aware of this. They have a limited time to speak and also need to be aware of the overall structure of the ceremony of which their speech is only one small part. As we say, we have learnt this lesson many times from many hundreds of funerals. We do know what we are speaking of and we do hear from and speak with many people who attend these ceremonies and we are very aware of their views and experiences.

If you have queries about this view, please have a chat with the celebrant. We are sure that we can be of one mind about what everyone is hoping for, whilst still respecting the form of ceremony that is appropriate when led by the church. If you find you want only a memorial with speeches avoiding religious elements, then you are probably looking for a secular memorial service. We understand and appreciate it if you would then contact the funeral director and re-arrange another celebrant and another location if you have booked a priest and the church. We think you will agree that it is understandable that it would not be appropriate to have a secular, non-religious memorial service in a church or led by a priest. The church does not permit a civil celebrant to lead a non-religious memorial in the church for understandable reasons.

We are religious and specialize in religious ceremonies but we are very sensitive and experienced in dealing with people with varying religious practice. This is only trying to be fair and honest to all parties. We need to be faithful to the types of ceremonies that we can, in conscience, lead and which we are permitted by our church to conduct. However, we firmly believe that we can lead a respectful and simple prayer service that will be very appropriate. All we need to do is work closely and respectfully together.

In relation to music featured in a ceremony. Please feel free to speak with the celebrant. Ideally the music should be either a familiar religious hymn or appropriate instrumental music.

We do sometimes agree to secular music, however, we ask you to consider carefully your choice and positioning of this music. Even if we were to perhaps agree to some music, if it is not deemed appropriate by those attending it might evoke negative comment.

It is not appropriate to play music that is anti-Christian or opposite to the values of the Gospel.

The quieter and more reflective and beautiful and comforting, the better.

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What is a Eulogy? (also called “words of Remembrance”)

A eulogy is a speech or written text in honour of a person who has died. It is a respectful “word picture” of your loved one’s most important qualities and personality. When the text is carefully prepared and written, it is amazing how much can be said in only a few minutes without loss of quality.

Who is to present the Eulogy?

By far the most effective eulogy is one single speech delivered by a family member (or a friend on behalf of the whole family). A unified and balanced eulogy is a powerful message. Sometimes, two or more people may take it in turns to read different parts of the one unified eulogy. It is important to avoid repetition and not to double or triple the length. More than one eulogy can actually lessen the impact of the original speaker, who is often a family member. The dignity and value of the person should never be measured by the number of speakers.

How to prepare the Eulogy.

When writing the eulogy, the family is encouraged to gather together and also consult with absent family members by phone. The family can then suggest important qualities or details that they want mentioned. This ensures that when the eulogy is given it truly represents the thoughts of everyone.

Important Practicalities

· It is essential that the speaker has a strong voice and speaks clearly and at a reasonable pace. The speaker needs to speak clearly into the microphone. There is nothing more disappointing than a eulogy that no one can hear. Choose someone who feels that they will be able to deliver the eulogy without being overcome with emotion.

· The total time for the Eulogy segment of the funeral rite is about three to six minutes. (E.g. one to two typed A4 sheets in size twelve font). It is important that the speaker has a good concept of time and an appreciation of the balance of the whole ceremony. The eulogy is a very special moment in the service, and yet it is not the only element. It is one element in what is a balanced and powerful religious ritual.

· Please ensure that the person who is to give the eulogy writes it down and prepares carefully (this is not a time for ad-libbing). Avoid too many details, examples or dates. Do not blur your message with too much information. Be selective of the facts and details you present..

· If the eulogy is too long, or too detailed, it can actually be hard to take in and can become distressing for those present.

· There are often people present who are very anxious and unfamiliar with funerals and church services. We are very respectful of this. It is important to give people a positive experience by keeping the whole ceremony flowing smoothly.

· It is not appropriate in a formal religious ceremony to ask if anyone else present would like to say a few words. These kinds of speeches are best suited to less formal settings such as where refreshments are served. Consultation with the hosts for the refreshments is recommended to judge what is most workable and what time is available.

Other Suggestions.

Funerals are short services of commendation and remembrance. In a Catholic funeral ritual, there is the opportunity for a brief sharing of a person’s life story, but there is not time for a lengthy sharing of their life journey. This is advisable because funerals occur at times when people are emotionally strained, exhausted and distressed. So, from our years of experience in these matters we strongly advise a short but respectful Eulogy. If you desire to share with people a more in-depth story of your loved one’s life, it is best to print and make available copies of a written life-story that people can take home and read at length in their own time.

* GUIDELINES FOR A EULOGY

· Place of Birth

· Parent’s names

· Names of brothers and sisters

· Place of childhood

· Schools attended

· Share a brief example of their character or personality or of their environment when growing up?

· Occupation(s), field of work

· Service in the Defence Forces?

· If married, where and when did he/she meet or marry their spouse.

· Any children and their names

· Name some of the most important personality qualities of your loved one. What are some of the aspects of their life that you really want to say “thank you” for? Is there a brief example of a time when they most displayed these qualities?

· Membership in any clubs, groups or associations?

· Special interests or hobbies?